I PREDICTED IT!

Ok, so remember my little rant on the fucked up chia Obama? Well apparently it didn't take Walgreens or the rest of the country to figure out that the chia Obama goes BEYOND creepy. After about a week of selling the green afro-ed clay bust of the president, Walgreens pulled it from the shelves, saying it "didn't fit the company image." Well fucking duh. Whose image WOULD that fit??!

Anyway, I've been pretty incapacitated for the last few days because my sinus infection got psycho, and I finally ended up going to the doctor so they'd pump me full of antibiotics. I find it funny how much I'll lie to the doctor, though. Purely to avoid a lecture.

"So Leigh, about how many alcoholic drinks a week do you have?" - Doctor

"Um, about two to four... on the weekends."

"Do you smoke marijuana or partake in any non-prescription drugs?" - Doctor

"...no."

I mean, come on lady. What do you think I'm going to say? "Fuck I had two to four drinks THIS MORNING! AND I'M HIGH, BITCH!" No. I'm an actor. I'll be a nice church-going little choir nerd to every stranger I'll ever meet. I'm a fucking pro.

But sorry folks, truth be told, I store my halo in my condom drawer.

I'm psyched to be back in the game though. Being sick turns me into an old lady. And damnit, it's dollar beer night at Big City Tap!!

Bagel Girl Out.

p.s. the countdown to Hotpants' 21st birthday has begun. Sixteen Days. We're having a White Trash Blowout, kegs, jell-o shots and cousins shackin' up all over the place! Yeeeee Haw!!

This Is How I Rally

In my defense, I did say "Remember, I just got over a cold, don't touch tongues with me unless you want to get sick." But considering the state I was in, it most like came out as "Reeemeeembre i had sicky pants and you pretty!"

Bad Decision Town...

So getting all hopped up on cold meds, and then fully celebrating my buddy's 21st was maybe not the grandest idea in all the land. But I'm sure it gave my co-workers a good laugh when I came in this morning, hung over, fifteen minutes after having vomited up the remainder of the cheap wine/vodka and wal-flu in my stomach.

I like to think of myself as an American hero.

The party was fun though. They put up stupid black lights everywhere that made all the girls' makeup glow bright red. It was KIND of hilarious to see them all trying to cram into the corners away from the lamps.

I kissed my Buddy J's girlfriend a little more than I probably should have, so if he winds up with a cold..... it's totally not my fault. But for the record, she came on to me!! We actually dragged MamaBear there because her perfect dentist boyfriend is in Guatemala for a week.... cause.... you know, normal people just up and go to Guatemala for a week. But since he's not around to take up all her time filling her cavities (see, see what I did there...) we decided the bitch was coming out with us. 

Good thing too...I'm pretty sure she got my loopy ass back home.

But yeah, I totally wrecked myself last night. But as always, I was tossed in a cab, tossed in my bed, and I didn't wake up until 8 o'clock when the urge to empty my stomach of EVERYTHING woke me out of a drunken stupor. It would have been far more amusing if my roommates had been awake because I definitely did NOT have time to throw on any clothes to run to the bathroom. What, I sleep naked, it's comfy.

Work was uneventful. The bizarre April hail kept people from coming in, so I spent most of the day inventing coffee drinks and stumbling through the crossword. Only one cuntly woman asked me to scoop her bagel today. So I consider it a win.

(For anyone unaware of what "scooping a bagel" is, it means just that. Taking a knife, and removing the bagel's innards and soul from the bagel, only to stuff it back full of heart healthy cream cheese. It's a fucking travesty. If you're on a low carb diet, here's a fucking idea! DON'T GO INTO A BAGEL SHOP! Fucking morons. What I tend to do with these women - yes, it's only women who do this - is stare at their love handles while gutting their bagel. Dumb whores.)

Bagel Girl Out.

p.s. Hilarious order of the day. Lox (salmon, I can't believe people still don't know what this fucking is!) on a cinnamon sugar bagel with strawberry cream cheese. Oh yeah. Tasty!

I don't need Meth! I NEED TO GET DRUNK!

THAT'S IT!

FUCK.

THIS.

SHIT!

I bought a shit ton of sudafed (The real stuff, not the pussy ass kind.) all sorts of teas and vitamins and energy boosters and what-have-you and damnit I am curing this by TONIGHT and I am getting drunk at a buddy's 21st. TONIGHT GODDAMNIT!

The amusing thing about sudafed however is that you have to show ID and sign your name and all this shit so they can put you on a list. And this list, is to keep you in mind for potential meth dealers.

Naw, I'd suck at that. "Hey I'm drug dealer Barbie! Want some meth??!" I just need to get hammered before I stab somebody.

And NO I don't have a drinking problem you tight-asses. I'm in college. I make bad decisions. I recognize, accept, and embrace this. So go watch some Gilmore Girls and macrame some shit.

Moving on...

There's a new chick at work, I like her! I'll call her New Chick. Anyway. She's cool, she told me about how she went out with her friends last night, ended up having to put one of her black-out-drunk girlfriends in a cab, and the girl PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE! She had a big ol' bruise and everything, it was crazy. Mainly because New Chick seems SoOoOoOo sweet. She's not the kind I can imagine taking a punch. I was impressed. I definitely wanna go fuck some shit up with her sometime.

Funny order of the day!! This one's good! Cinnamon raisin bagel, scallion cream cheese, tomato, onion, swiss cheese and HONEY! WHAT?! I literally said, "But...why?" Apparently the chick used to work in a bagel place and she got to experimenting and discovered THAT abortion of a sandwich and enjoyed it. I feel like she should be sterilized.

Bagel Girl Out. Time to stab this cold thing right in the throat.

I miss you Drunk Bagel Girl.....(ps the cliche chick-tiara was for my cliche chick 21st. Shuddup, Go fuck yourself.)

Fun with Sinus Infections!

Yep. Sinus infection.

Fucking cunt factory.

So I saw my friends' production of Scapino at our college tonight. It was great. Maybe it's because I'm all hopped up on cold meds and there were bright colors everywhere. Or maybe it's because there was a two minute scene in which one of the guys fucked a juke box.

Probably the juke box thing. I may have squealed like a drunk middle-aged divorcee at a Chippendales show.

But yeah, they were all fuckin' great...I mean come on, I'm not friends with UN-talented people. I'm shallow and awful, it's kind of my shtick. It just sucked having to drag myself out of the house with what is now a full blown  sinus infection. It's like have Satan skull fuck me for hours on end.

Anyhoo, in order to amuse myself tonight, I've recruited my loyal and sexually attractive roommate, Hotpants. Mamabear is out for the night with her overly perfect boyfriend. (Quick backstory, Mamabear is the only one of us smart enough to stop dating actors. Her Boyfriend Abe is gorgeous, a dentist, and surprised her tonight with fucking COUPLES MASSAGES. We hate her right now. Bitch.) But yes, I've recruited Hotpants to amuse me since I can't leave the apartment on what would normally be a drunk pile of craziness (It's Friday for fuck's sake!)

My plan for entertainment, since I personally can't drink, but Hotpants CAN, is that I'm gonna get her good and sloshed on cheap wine/vodka. THEN, only when she is falling and sputtering, shall I videotape her telling in detail the entirety of Hamlet Prince of Denmark. For any of you who've seen the glorious and hysterical Drunk History (YouTube it if you haven't already. It's AMAZING) it's pretty much inspired by that. Only with Shakespeare.

So Hopefully by the end of the night I'll have a video of my lovely roommate drunkenly sputtering about Ophelia. I'll slop it together at some point and put it up here for ya'll to laugh at. After all, what are friends for, if not to humiliate them on the internet.

Bagel Girl Out.

p.s. By looking at the picture below, you may figure out both WHY I chose the nickname "Hotpants" for my roommate, AND why it makes me laugh to get a few cocktails in her....bahaha. Drunk slut.

Extra Update! My glorious roommate just made me nearly pee my pants. So we're watching this miniwheats  commercial, and the narrator says,

"Studies show that children who eat breakfast perform better in school than those who don't."

To which Hotpants replies, without out a beat,

"I want to know what children they deprived of breakfast to do that study."

fucking brilliant

Here's my whore roommate 

That's it. THIS is the worst.

So as I've mentioned, I'm pretty sick right now. It's shitty. Because when I was little I LOVED staying home sick. My mom would rent me movies and make me toast and I didn't have to move all day. I could just watch Rugrats and drink orange juice. Well, it's not so much fun anymore. I'm just kind of chillen at home alone because the roomies are in class, and all I can think of is Damnit I really need to be learning my Midsummer scene! Plus I may have abused the afrin a little and now I'm forming a new and not-so-exciting addiction.

Anyway, while watching some mediocre comedy on TV, a commercial came on advertising the single most soul-crushing product I've ever seen. I mean really. I was OK with that ab-zapper that supposedly let you work out while eating cheetos and watching porn. I was OK with shamwow! For God's sake I EVEN BOUGHT A SNUGGIE. (I may be wearing it right now...don't judge me you're just jealous, you fuck!) But no...what I saw on the TV...was truly....TRULY disturbing.

The Obama Chia Pet.

What?

WHAT??!!!

Now obviously it's not that I DISLIKE Obama. I'm a Chicago girl, I'd give my right arm to spoon with Obama, trust me. But an Obama Chia Pet??! What IS that??! I don't even know what to say! I honestly believe that this ridiculous product may be the single strangest, most ill-concieved and eerily racist brain child to ever come out of this country.

I mean FUCK!

I have to have one.

Damnit these Chia Pet people are good.

Bagel Girl Out. Fuck my life.

Please don't draw that.

So I've had this cunt of a cold for like a week now. And I'm pretty sure the cause of said cold came from annihilating my body for the week before. "Dollar beers at Big City Tap on Thursdays?" "Our buddies are working at Trader Todd's Tonight?!" "The Liquor store is open?!!!!"

Yes, yes, these are all GREAT reasons to imbibe a littl

e more than usual. But nevertheless, my wonderful roommates, (Hotpants and MamaBear) along with a vivid cast of fun friends, have all helped me destroy myself recently. Absolutely necessary too - trust me. A certain guy caused me to drunkenly text him that he is a "lying cheating pig."

Oh yeah folks. I'm THAT girl. I never thought something could out-do drunk-dialing....and then came texts. I've recieved such gems such as "hy sxxy i misss u!! lets jst do it!" and the more obscure "the cabinets r on fire but it wuznt me itwuz the plumber. TEQUILA!!"

Anyhoo! That was a bit of a transition, but yes. I have a cold. So!! I was about to get on the L coming back from a dance class and I have the sniffles like a mo fo. Not cute tissue-commercial sniffles. But like, gross. Gross. GROSS sniffles. And I finally get on

 the train and I'm like "Jesus! Finally I can dig in my purse, find a fucking tissue and get my nose-blow on. So during the full glory of my disgusting nose blow, I look over and see this guy........drawing me.

This fucking hipster-ass-I'm-going-to-obviously-draw-you-on-the-train-because-I'm-edgy-and-real ass hat is quite obviously doing a portrait of a sick blonde.

Fuck monster.

I mean really dude? I do NOT need to know that there will be some picture of me with my hair all disheveled in my sweaty dance clothes BLOWING MY NOSE, floating around your half assed portfolio for some second rate art school. Ugh.

Who knows. Maybe I'll become a painting. Titled "Ew. Portrait of a Gross College Girl."

Bagel Girl Out. I've got a roommate who's dog died and we're going to drink until we find her a new dog in the alley next to our apartment.

I shall name him Henry.

What exactly IS a CATXPRT???

So I'm pretty sure it's one of my co-workers, or maybe a bagel regular. I'm not sure. But what I am sure about, is that this person considers themselves to be a feline aficionado. Or as their license plate would describe them....a "CATXPRT"

Cat expert? Really? An expert...about CATS? Now dogs...I can at least understand that. Flip channels enough, you'll find dog shows, dog competitions, TV shows like "The Dog Whisperer" or that insufferable "Its Me or the Dog" bullshit. (Yes I've watched. No I don't approve.) There's even a goddamn PUPPY BOWL going on during the Super Bowl on the Animal Planet. (With Kitty half-time show, but who gives a shit, we're all watching the Super Bowl half-time show anyway hoping for some tit.) But no...cats. There is, apparently, within the Bagel Shop world....a cat expert.

Now honestly, what exactly is there about cats to even be an expert on? Don't get me wrong, I like cats. I had a couple growing up. They're cute and they purr and they play with balled up tin foil. Fucking precious. But to be an EXPERT on something, I feel like there should be some vast wealth of knowledge existing on the subject to be an expert about! And not only that, but to go so far as to put it directly on your license plate!? As if the single defining thing about your life that you want every passing car to know is the fact that you know your shit about cats!

Honestly...it sort of makes me sad.

And yet, it is what it is. I've started noticing the car in the parking lot of my work recently, and now I must find out. Who is this CATXPRT? Do they know something about cats that the rest of us have been too blind to observe? Maybe they just have an ironic and therefor hilarious sense of humor. Maybe a russian blue saved them as a child and they've dedicated their life to knowing the underlying brilliance of an often overlooked family pet. Or maybe.... maybe.... they just like cats.

Bagel Girl Out.

p.s. Funny order of the day... Roast Beef and honey mustard on a Chocolate Chip bagel. These people disgust me sometimes.